Self-criticism makes you feel small and weak when you don’t need to be. These steps will quickly pull you out of the endless diarrhea – it’s about time.
Marinate endlessly in toxic self-criticism
No one likes a braggart, but should we marinate ourselves in self-criticism?
No – not a good plan.
Yet we do it on a massive scale – I participate in it myself.
I am regularly unnecessarily critical of myself, and many people around me struggle with it too.
Perfectionism, comparing yourself to others, parents who were hard to please, experiences of public failure, low self-esteem – there are countless reasons why people experience self-criticism.
Self-criticism makes you small, weak and miserable . It damages your self-confidence and thus your quality of life on a deep level.
But you know what’s fun? The solution is already packed in the word. Self-criticism comes from ourselves. And so we have the opportunity to do something about it ourselves.
Pretty nice.
There are all kinds of steps we can take to reduce self-criticism. Below I share 5 steps that are particularly effective , require little effort and also work quickly.
It’s a dirty story. Let’s see.
1. Observe the diarrhea
Yes – I see self-criticism as a constant flow of diarrhoea.
It stinks, it gets stuck in everything, it’s a hassle to clean up and nobody really wants it.
But as with so many things in life: you get used to everything .
If you function every day between that misery, you don’t even notice it anymore. But as soon as you take a fresh look at it, you realize with horror the situation you’ve ended up in .
And what do you do then?
Exactly – then you will take steps to change something about it.
The first step is simply to observe your self-criticism:
- You don’t have to change anything.
- You don’t have to run away from it.
- You don’t have to spice it up.
No – just observe. That’s all.
- You can jot down self-criticism as soon as it comes along. For example in your notes app on your smartphone. Jot down that poisonous thought, and go about your day.
- You can mentally notice self-criticism when it passes. For example, label such a miserable thought as “self-criticism” and go about your business.
- You can get rid of all self-criticism by writing it all down in a journal. Take ten minutes to put all that diarrhea on paper – it’s a great relief.
Try noticing self-criticism throughout your day . It often won’t work, but just do it when you think about it. You don’t have to observe all the self-criticism, a little is good enough.
By consciously noticing self-criticism you will automatically bring about change.
Not because you suddenly have all the answers, but simply because no one of their own free will remains in such a miserable situation .
2. Let it be quiet
The less effort something takes, the more likely you are to actually do it.
That’s why I say don’t do anything now . Let that self-criticism be there and notice it. That’s all.
Give it some time and observe what is happening in your head . The more self-criticism you observe, the less seriously you begin to take it. You start to see that you’re just playing a boring tape that keeps shouting the same things:
- “You can’t do this.”
- “You’re not good enough.”
- “You’re not pretty enough.”
- “You are too stupid.”
- Etc.
It can sometimes help to visualize that critical voice as a childish troll .
That troll is looking for comfort and security, so he tries to keep you down by convincing you that you should n’t do anything that challenges you.
Fine and logical. But we’re not going to let a grumpy troll determine the direction of this wonderful life – are we?
No – better not.
Just let that troll chat and you can enjoy your day in the meantime.
3. Make room for something better
Do you have something like: “doing nothing doesn’t sound good enough” ? Then there is something you can do: shift your attention .
Where to? To aspects of yourself that you value.
Focus your attention on:
- Things you accomplished today (no matter how small);
- Properties of yourself that you like;
- Aspects of your body that you like;
- Moments when you have overcome something;
- The precious people who love you despite all the negative beliefs you have about yourself;
- Other positive aspects of your day.
Often when I’m working on a bigger project (like a new course), I suddenly feel insecure. The troll knows how to tell me that I am a worthless writer and that no one cares about what I have to say.
When I experience that, I leaf through old articles and read the sweet reactions of readers. It helps me to establish that my work is going to make someone happy, and that I can continue to challenge myself.
It helps me establish that there really is something wrong with my skills, and that I was fooled by that troll again.
Everything that gives you attention grows – and that self-criticism does not deserve your attention.
Focus on the nice, positive sides of yourself. It helps you move to a place of less misery and more joy.
4. Lovingly let yourself slip
Diarrhea can be slippery.
Even if you walk carefully, you will occasionally fall. Not nice, but nothing you can do about it.
Even with all the good intentions in the world, you will find yourself caught up in a downward spiral of self-criticism from time to time . You are not waiting for it but you can wait for it to happen.
What to do?
There’s one thing you don’t want to do: feel sorry for yourself that you failed to practice self-love again . That sounds logical but it is the most common reaction:
We’re trying to solve the problem with more diarrhea, when you just slipped into it.
It just makes the story dirtier and I think we’ve both had enough of this metaphor now – so let’s get smarter:
Self-compassion.
We change the internal dialogue of the troll who shouts, “You never learn! AWFUL! You’re a loser! Everyone is better at this than you. You’re worthless. You can’t do anything! Ugh, I can’t see you anymore!”
To (voiced by Mary Poppins): “Oops slipped in the diarrhea, that’s not nice. Can happen. Come on, I’ll run a bath for you. Yes, I’m going to throw in the whole bottle because you do smell a little – but I love you anyway. Just lie back and I’ll go mop up with a few bottles of bleach and burn your clothes.”
Feels better, right?
5. Don’t be in a hurry, just pay attention
You usually don’t turn around a life full of self-criticism in one afternoon.
But you know what? We are in no hurry. As soon as you start with the first step, you can also effortlessly defuse most self-criticism .
It is special how more attention – more mindfulness – immediately makes the situation milder.
It helps you see that you are experiencing self-criticism and are not those thoughts – let alone that those thoughts are true.
More awareness leads to more self-compassion and self-love. Slowly but surely it’s getting quieter up there. And before you know it you’ll be making friends at a get-together where you don’t know anyone, or you’ll be taking on tasks you normally couldn’t take on due to self-sabotage.
You feel more confident, stronger, more powerful – happier!
That troll isn’t going anywhere, but you’re getting better and better at approaching him with patience and understanding.
Living with self love lives a lot better
So the message is simple: be kind to yourself .
There is only one you. You are unique and you are good just the way you are. Don’t put yourself down, rather get yourself up.
Not only does that live a lot better – from that position you can also reach out to others and help them take the same step.
Increasing self-love is your most important step towards a more loving world .
It makes everything better, so dare to take it seriously. Let go of that self-criticism and rather marinate yourself in self-compassion – works much better. 💛
Are you ready to get started right away? Go AHEAD !!
